Sunday, September 23, 2007

Now for something completely different

I am going to re-post an entry from Daily Kos.

Because I think it will be purged pretty quickly.

re And Feeding Instructions

on your purchase of your new 110th Congress! These care and feeding
instructions will help ensure many years of future enjoyment of your
Congress: please read them carefully.


As packaged, your new Congress contains:

  • 1 Capitol (white)
  • 435 live Representatives (also mostly white)
  • 100 live Senators (mostly blazingly, translucently white)
  • Congress Chow, in the form of hundreds of billions of dollars in cash
  • A variety of checks and balances. You may set these aside: they don't actually do anything.


  1. Soon after installing your new Congress, a green, cash-rich buildup may
    occur. This buildup is a normal part of the ecological balance in your
    Congress; the murky green colors will fade slightly as the ratio of
    legislators to beneficial lobbyists finds a natural balance.

  1. Do not expose your Congress to direct sunlight, as this may cause
    excessive "loss" of Senators and Representatives. In order to best
    ensure the health of your Congress, keep it in a dimly lit place,
    preferably near a variety of restaurants.
  1. If your
    Congress begins looking drab, place an American flag behind the tank.
    This will stimulate your Congressmen into a variety of unusual
    displays. When the effect fades, add more flags.
  1. Do
    not taunt your Congress. Their feelings are easily hurt, and may result
    in uncontrollable, deafening wailing. If this happens, add additional
  1. A certain amount of sexual perversion is
    normal. If your household includes children, place your Congress in a
    location where children will not have direct access to it. Positioning
    your Congress away from telephone and other communications equipment
    will help prevent a buildup of prostitutes.
  1. As
    normal behavior, your Senators and Representatives will travel in
    schools. You may notice portions of your Congress from time to time
    erupt in panic over an unseen enemy, usually hippies or communists.
    This is normal, and will usually resolve itself through a series of
    sternly worded but ineffectual bills.
  1. Your Congress
    is a carefully organized hierarchical society. Watch them work together
    to build highways, bridges, and overfunded vanity projects. Do not,
    however, expect them to show interest in you or acknowledge your
    presence in any way. If that's what you wanted, you should have bought
    a dog.
  1. Under optimal conditions, your Congress may
    develop one or two Presidential Candidates. The bright colors and
    dramatic displays of these creatures can provide hours of
    entertainment. While Presidential Candidates may add excitement to your
    Congress, note that they are territorial and prone to fighting: keep
    Candidates separate as much as possible. Also, be aware that
    Presidential Candidates require ten times the amount of nutrition of
    other legislators, so feed regularly.
  1. Clean your
    Congress every two years to remove buildup and prevent disease. Wipe
    your Congress with a disinfecting solution made up of cursory debate,
    weakly contested primaries, and embarrassingly shallow campaign
    coverage. It won't make the slightest bit of difference, but what the
    hell -- it will give you something to do.

All sales final. No refunds. May exchange for identically dysfunctional Congress only.

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